So in my last post, after I “outed myself” as a WWE fan for the first time in 24+ years, I went on to list the top 10 WWE superstars I’d love to play poker with. Due to the excellent response that post got, I felt it only natural to write up it’s complementary post and list the top 10 WWE superstars I’d hate to play poker with. Without further ado, here are the 10 wrestling personalities who I’d be very happy to never see playing across from me at a live poker table.
1. The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase
Clearly the ultimate definition of a poker “whale”, my bankroll’s just too inadequate to match up with him across the felt. As an aside, you kind of have to wonder about Ted – if he were to win a WSOP bracelet, would that be “blingy” enough for him or would he “soup it up” Million Dollar Belt style?
2. The Boogeyman
Seriously? Would any poker player want to be in the proximity of this disgusting creature? Just the thought of sitting next to him brings back traumatic memories of many a bus ride to Atlantic City from New York’s Port Authority. Floor! Can I please request a seat change, pronto?!
3. The Rock
Everyone knows that it’s all but impossible to squeeze any money out of a “rock” while playing poker. Moreover, he’s the clearly the kind of person who would tell a floorperson “it doesn’t matter what your ruling is!” With all of his theatrics, I wouldn’t hesitate to call the clock on the Rock. So, high-quality entertainer notwithstanding, I’d rather not smell what the Rock is cooking at a poker table.
4. Mr. McMahon
Playing poker with Vince is simply a lose-lose proposition, as he’s a sore loser AND sore winner. If he ever took a seat at my table, I’d get up and power walk out of the room, as there’s no chance in hell I’d play poker with the Chairman.
5. Irwin R. Schyster (IRS)
The last thing any recreational poker player like me needs at the table is the IRS breathing down my neck, trying to assess the value of my stack. I’d high tail it outta there and just hope he wouldn’t follow me to the cashier’s cage. Importantly, it wouldn’t even matter if we’d be playing poker in Europe, as U.S. citizens like me get hounded by the IRS to report all income worldwide… yeesh!
6. CM Punk
Who isn’t a fan of CM Punk these days? The singular most entertaining wrestler on the WWE roster, Punk has all fans, including me, eagerly lapping up his every pipe bomb, GTS, and anaconda vice. That said, I don’t want any part of CM Punk at the poker table. It’s not because he’s the self-proclaimed “best in the world”, but rather because he’s exactly who I picture when I think of an online poker degen; you know, hoodie, bags under his eyes…. No thanks Punk, I want to play poker, not a video game.
7. Jake “the Snake” Roberts
An absolute master of psychology both in and out of the ring, Jake the Snake was always a tough opponent, whether you were able to best him or not. In terms of table selection, it’s always best to stay away from opponents who have you outclassed, and I’d probably lose my entire stack to Roberts faster than you can say “DDT”.
8. Luna Vachon
Do you really want to be looking at this face while playing cards? I wonder if she’s even eligible to play in the WSOP Ladies Event.
9. Mr. Perfect
Holding a perfect record in every sport, it stands to reason that Mr. Perfect would easily do better than me at every poker discipline. I’d rather not be the fish caught in his fisherman’s suplex.
10. Kevin Nash
You’d think everyone would want to play some poker with someone who used to be known as “Vinnie Vegas” back in the day, right? Not me. Though he sure was good on the mic, Nash was often mocked for only being able to pull off 6 moves or so in the ring. An ABC-type poker player like that, though perhaps fun to listen to, just isn’t challenging or engaging enough to play against (though it would probably be profitable).
*All images owned by WWE – used here for illustrative purposes only.